Life is unpredictable and uncertain, but over the years, I've collected a few truths that I believe are thoroughly unshakable, including but not limited to the following:
- Faith & family are most important
- Happiness is a choice
- My dad will quote "Dumb & Dumber" or "Shanghai Noon" in any phone conversation with me lasting longer than 2 minutes
- The OC was never the same without Marissa, and Ryan shouldn't have moved on so fast
- Bret Michaels and Fergie are the same person
- and liquid eyeliner is a merciless, daunting, and unforgiving shark that must only be approached with extreme caution
Why, you ask? Because his goatee is obviously fake, and why else would Bret have to wear bandana every day if not to conceal the fact that he's secretly the fourth member of the Black-Eyed Peas? Plus, he always forgets to wash off his eyeliner when he goes back to being Bret.
Also, speaking of eyeliner . . . I have a theory that liquid eyeliner is a lot like a shark. Here are the seven most convincing pieces of evidence:
Of this, I am quite certain. It's important to approach liquid eyeliner with an air of cockiness so as not to fall prey to its wrath.
. . . with pointy edges and stuff.
You can't really just abort mission once you jump in.
It's damn near IMPOSSIBLE to relax when you're touching it. SO. MUCH. POWER.
. . . and it's not to be meddled with.
It's gliding along smoothly one second and darting around madly and jaggedly the next.
HOW. ARE. YOU. DOING. THIS?!?!
And now, some tips on how to survive the encounter.
. . . there will be "bleeding."
Also, try not to cry.
Jagged. Confusing. Messy.
Stay on top of that thing. Don't lose sight of it and maintain a steady grip. If you let go, things are going to get ugly.
There's a lot to go over in terms of products, tips, types, and ways to wear liquid eyeliner, so I decided that I'm going to take a page out of the Discovery Channel playbook here on Pretty Much. So welcome to . . .
Stay tuned—I'm gathering intel.